TV Comes to The Forest
by cuddlydemonicrabbits
Summary: When Bluestar introduces TV to the forest, she gives the warrior cats 24 hours to create commercials and TV programs. What could go wrong?
1. Cat VS Food

"So…what is this again?" Fireheart gestured over to a large bulky box with a screen that sat in front of him.

"This is a TV." Bluestar said as she glanced over at it. She placed her tail on top. The group of cats gathered around her stared at her as if she had gone mad.

"Can we eat it?" Graystripe raised his paw.

"What are you- no!" Bluestar lowered her ears in anger as she frowned. "Does this look like something you could put in your mouth?"

Graystripe shrugged. "I don't know. I'm willing to try anything. I'm a curious cat." He waved his gray tail back and forth as he stretched his paws in front of him as he began to lay down.

"Where did you even get something like this?" Tigerclaw demanded. He lashed his tail.

"I found it this morning when I got up. It was sitting in the middle of the clearing." Bluestar explained.

"What if a Twoleg put that there?"

"Well-"

Tigerclaw interrupted again. "Honestly, Bluestar! Use your head!"

"How would a Twoleg get in here?" Graystripe glanced at the angry Tigerclaw.

"They can just walk in here! All they have to do is get a large enough stick and threaten to hit us with it! Cats aren't going to do anything! We are tiny! Well, I'm not, but you are tiny! All of you!"

"Get out of here!" Bluestar snarled at Tigerclaw. "Or so help me God I will come down on you and tear your soul apart!" She banged her paw on a rock in anger.

"Whatever." Tigerclaw complied with Bluster's wishes and left the group of cats, muttering in anger.

"What are we going to do with it?" Fireheart began, glancing back at Tigerclaw.

"I don't know." The she-cat said in a hostile tone. "I'm bored. I've had a hard life. Many bad things keep happening to us. We need something to take our minds off of…" Bluestar waved her paw around in the air. "…This. So that's why I'm giving you all 24 hours to make TV programs."

"What's an hour?" This was from Graystripe again.

"I don't know."

"Well, what's a program?"

"I don't know."

"For someone to be using these words, you sure don't know about any of them."

"I have divine connections to StarClan and…and…I will demote you if you keep questioning me in such matters!" Bluestar then stalked off with frustration back to her den.

Sandstorm looked at the TV once more. "All righty then."

Cat Vs Food

Longtail: I'm here in… (Turns towards camera in confusion) where am I?

Yellowfang: I don't know. We're in the city somewhere…moron.

Longtail: (ignoring Yellowfang) Okay. Well we're in…wherever we are…and I am going to try to eat The Omega Mega Super Ultra Supreme Quadruple Triple-Triple Double Intergalactic Patty Patty—

Yellowfang: What kind of name is that?! (Glaring at Longtail) is that even food?!

Longtail (angry) Yes! (Normal) Anyway, that…food…is a 300 pound hamburger with type 2 diabetes. It consists of 40 90 pound all-beef patties, grilled inside of an underground volcano made of dirt and grass, 55 slices of cheese made by tiny fire ants who absolutely LOVE Rihanna, pickles, that were deep fried 32-and-a-half times, and four angry Whopper buns where are quite angry that they are not doing their normal jobs for normal Whoppers.

Yellowfang: Don't do this! You're gonna kill yourself! And I am not dragging you back to Cinderpelt's den if- no- WHEN you fall out from a heart attack.

Longtail: Oh, stop being a spoil sport. This is fun (into the camera) and this…is Cat Vs Food.

[Screen changes to beginning title sequence of a light and dark brown background with yellow words saying CAT VS FOOD]

Restaurant Owner: All right, Longtail. You have 10 minutes to complete this challenge. (Holds up hand to silence the cheering crowd of humans and cats around him) That's right. You have 10 whole minutes to eat this 300 pound hamburger. 1,000,000 have tried, 999,999 have failed.

Longtail: Who was the one person who didn't?

Restaurant Owner: Adam Richman, who did a similar thing to what you're doing.

Longtail: Why'd he stop?

Restaurant Owner: Oh, something about health problems (shooing the thought away from his head) Anyway, aren't you making fun of him by doing this?

Longtail: I prefer the word "parody".

Restaurant Owner: Huh. All right. Anyway, if you win, which the odds aren't in your favor so there's no chance in HELL about that, you get a T-Shirt and your name on the Wall of Moronic Behavior.

Longtail: (Scratches head with left arm) Huh. Don't you think there should be a better prize for me attempting a challenge that could kill me?

Yellowfang: So you admit it!

Restaurant Owner: Eh, so little people attempt this on a daily basis I've just never put any actual thought, time, or consideration in any sort of prize. I figure, "Hey, you're being a total idiot right now for attempting to consume as many calories in one setting that most people never consume in a month that you deserve a sucky prize".

Longtail: But you said 1,000,000 people tried this.

Restaurant Owner: 1,000,000 people over a 100,000 year period. I've served Abraham Lincoln, Pocahontas, Katy Perry, Rihanna, Lady Gaga, Ellie Goulding, Nicki Minaj, Beyoncé, Pink, Jessie J, Flo Rida, Zedd, Paramore, Demi Lovato, Carly Rae Jepson, The Black Eyed Peas, Kesha, Ne-Yo, Usher…you know…awesome people.

Longtail: (shrugs, giving little thought into what he's about to do) Okay then!

Restaurant Owner: Time starts…NOW!

(10 seconds later)

Longtail: HELP! I'M DYING! GOD, SOMEONE CALL FOR HELP!

Yellowfang: I've already told you, you mindless idiot, that I wasn't going to help you! I've told you repeatedly that I wasn't going to haul your butt back to camp! What the hell is wrong with you?!

Longtail: (on ground) Yellowfang! Language!

Yellowfang: I am a talking cat who fully understand the entire English Language! You know what, (throws camera down. Camera shows Yellowfang's legs walking towards the door) I don't have time for this. I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS! GOOD NIGHT! (Storms out of restaurant)

_Longtail lays on the ground, unmoving. Suddenly a transparent figure rises from his body._

Longtail Sprit: Oh, great. Now I'm dead! (Gets horrible idea in his head as he smiles and reaches down to pick up the camera) We will now return to Cat Sprit Vs Food, the only show where the host can keep eating whatever the f*** he pleases without having to worry about any side-effects!


	2. Wheel of Doughnuts!

Wheel…of…Doughnuts!

Cloudtail stared at the tiles in front of him. He thought carefully about what he was going to do and say next.

Tigerclaw glared at him, growling softly as he held a small microphone in his right paw. "The game is quite simple." He began, beyond annoyed. "To win, you must ring the buzzer, then announce that you would either like to solve, buy a vowel, or a normal letter. You will not win if you just sit there DOING NOTHING!"

Cloudtail opened his mouth to say something about the game, but then turned to Tigerclaw instead. "You're just mad because Bluestar has you doing this."

"Oh, you couldn't be more right about that." Tigerclaw growled, extending his claws out further. "Now please, GET ON WITH THIS SO I CAN GO HOME!"

Sandstorm sat on top of the wheel, licking her arm. "Please, Cloudtail. After this, I have to go help Whitestorm with something. Something probably related to all…this." She gave a sad meow, then carried on with her grooming session.

Spottedleaf stood at a podium. "I…I don't even know what I'm doing here." She looked around with a mixture of anger and confusion. "Where are we?"

"Underground." Tigerclaw answered coldly.

"Really? Why?"

"I don't know." He shoved Cloudtail forcefully when he turned around to see him playing with a button on the ground. "Solve it, you-"

"Gub's Grub grubbed grubbily gubbing gub the gub." Cloudtail read slowly. He stood back, waving his bushy white tail back and forth.

Tigerclaw stared at him for a few moment, then looked at the board behind him, stuttering with confusion. Then he turned back around to face Cloudtail as he twitched his left eye. "Y-You…you…where w-would you…"

Sandstorm placed her paw on the buzzer. "It doesn't say that! It says…Enjoy The Grib."

"You are both wrong." Spottedleaf announced as he slammed her transparent paw on the buzzer. "It says…There is a giant foot behind you."

"YOU'RE ALL WRONG!" Tigerclaw erupted, slamming the microphone on the ground in anger. He grabbed Cloudtail by the scruff of fur on his chest. "YOU IDIOTS! THAT SAYS APPLES ARE RED! APPLES…ARE…RED!" He then proceeded to slam Cloudtail against the wall.

"Look, how am I supposed to know that?!" Sandstorm retorted as she followed Tigerclaw with her eyes as he went on a full-scale rampage. "I don't know how to read. In fact, I've never read anything in my entire life! We all just talk to each other!"

"F***! YOU WORTHLESS, F****** MORONS!" Tigerclaw had just finished dismantling the spinner and throwing it out of a window. He scaled up the wall, screaming and cursing in rage, pulling the lights out of the wall and smashing them to pieces on the ground. A fire raged on around the four.

Spottedleaf shrugged. "It doesn't matter anyway; I'm already dead." She then began to hover above Sandstorm and Cloudtail. "Have a nice day. If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go ride a horse, then eat some birthday cake."

Now Sandstorm and Cloudtail were left in the center of a ring of roaring fire. She glared at Cloudtail as the fire crackled around them. "At least what I said made sense. I didn't understand half the stuff you were saying."

Cloudtail grabbed his tail as a form of comfort. "What is the Grib?" He hissed quietly.

Sandstorm held his gaze. "Shut up."

"So who wins?" Cloudtail looked around for a moment before giving a short mew.

"Isn't it obvious?" The she-cat said dryly. "Tigerclaw won."

"Ah. So he did." Cloudtail studied his paws. "So he did."


	3. Come On Down to the Magical Warehouse

Come On Down to the Totally Magical Warehouse!

Brightheart: (sitting on top of a pink fluffy cloud wearing a purple wizard's hat with yellow stars) do you crave excitement?

Thornclaw: (looking around) Do what now?

Brightheart: Do you need something to make the day go by faster?

Thornclaw: Not particularly…where are you going with this? (begins frowning)

Brightheart: Well I got just the thing for you! Introducing the One Moon in Five Seconds potion! The steps are easy to follow, so anyone can do it! From tiny little kits who can somehow speak in full sentences, to the elderly! You just pour this on the ground like so (empties bottle of green liquid on dirt ground) and wait to see instant results!

[ground shakes slightly, then tree falls over in a distance, followed by cursing]

Brightheart: Oops. That was not what I thought it was. That was the Make A Tree Fall Down on Tigerclaw potion.

Tigerclaw: (in a distance) Haven't I been punished enough?!

Bluestar: (yowls in anger in a distance after previous statement)

Thornclaw: (shaking head)

Brightheart: No matter! You can get all you magical needs down at the Magical Warehouse!

[Thornclaw and Brightheart are transported to a 55 foot tall oak tree with a door glued on it.]

Thornclaw: Where are we?!

Brightheart: Dude, I already told you. (Gestures at building) Come, come! Follow me on a journey to experience the endless magical possibilities. (Grabs Thornclaw's shoulder as she waves her hand in the air in front of her)

[Both cats walk inside of the oak tree, which "magically" disappears once they're inside]

Brightheart: Ah ha! Now it is time for you to learn the first rule of magic: never trust anyone!

Thornclaw: What does that have to do with magic?

(A trio of large demonic rabbits stampedes through the warehouse, trampling Thornclaw.)

Thornclaw: (on ground) all right.

Tigerclaw: (looking at Brightheart) you there. If someone were to…hypothetically poison someone, where would that be in this store?

Brightheart: Ha, ha. Nice try. This is good old fashioned normal magic here. I would never create something that can be used to harm another cat. Shark, maybe. You would have to speak with our resource department, where they can locate you to the Voodoo Hut.

Tigerclaw: (sighs) Fine. Wait a minute that tree fell on me! (Begins snarling)

Brightheart: (nodding) yeah…well…you're evil. Side note: where are we getting the money for all these shows, cameras, commercials…etc?

Bluestar: (in a distance) don't worry about it! I have my ways! Stop breaking the fourth wall!

Brightheart: That's not breaking the fourth wall. THIS is breaking the fourth wall: how long is this story going to last? Also, why are there cats interacting with other cats who were previously killed in other books?

Bluestar: I will strike you down…

Brightheart: (Facing camera) Do not feel left out! ANYONE…except sharks…CAN EXPERIENCE THE MAGIC! Do you wanna get back at your friend for telling on you for blowing up that rock on Ye Olde Hill, we have the solution!

[kitten squeaks on the other side of the warehouse]

Brightheart: If…oh, who was that? Oh, that was Wafflekit. Why is he named that? I don't know. Maybe because he smells like a waffle. He works here. That's right! Kits work here…for 2 minutes a day! They are in charge of everything. So…think about that the next time you wanna buy something here because I'm not changing anything.

[A bottle of pink liquid sits on a spinning table in front of a blue background]

Brightheart: (voice over) If you wake up one day and decide, "hmm, I'm a fatty." Then this is right for you! It will make you fatter! That's right! I bet you thought I was gonna say something else! You couldn't be more wrong! It's your body, you chose to be fat! Now you have to suffer the consequences! There's no potion for fixing your life! Actually, there is! But you must pay trillions upon trillions of dollars for it!

[A bottle of purple liquid sits on a spinning table in front of a blue background]

Brightheart: (voice over) Now this really is something special! This is called the "I Do Not Like Your Face" potion. If you hate someone's face…example, how Sandstorm probably doesn't like Spottedleaf's face…all you have to do is pay me in 1,000 rabbits, I'll give you the potion, then all you have to do is hold down the other person with the horribly disgusting\beautiful face that you don't like because you're a jealous you-know-what and in seconds, their face turns into a screen that only plays "Divergent". That's right! Only "Divergent"…and then "Insurgent". It's illegal and I don't care!

Thornclaw: What's a "Divergent"?

Brightheart: I'm not allowed to tell you! You will read the book, then you will watch the movie! And in that order!

[A bottle of black liquid sits on a spinning table in front of a blue background]

Brightheart: (standing next to the display) Ah, now this is tricky. (Lightly taps bottle) This is the Armageddon potion. (Speaking in happy tone of voice) If this bottle is ever opened, the world will end! That's right! All life on Earth as we know it will come to a horrible, fiery end filled with never-ending despair and torture! (Claps hands together)

Thornclaw: (screams) WHAT WOULD POSSESS YOU TO DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT?!

Brightheart: (coldly) I am half blind. (Pointing to scar) From that day on I possessed an evil side to me. (Happy) but luckily my happiness outweighs that. (Coldly) but only slightly,

Tigerclaw: (staring at the bottle, waving his tail with joy) YES! Oh, this is much better than poison! MUCH better! (Gives a loud yowl as he lunges for the bottle. The liquid spills over the grass floor. An alarm then begins to blare loudly)

Brightheart: Hmm. We have 1 minute to evacuate the building before we all die.

Thornclaw: WHAT GOOD DOES THAT DO IF THE WHOLE WORLD IS GOING TO END! WE ARE ALL GOING TO D*** DIE!

Brightheart: Oh…I guess you're right.

[Screen shows a row of potions on a spinning background with "Wide Awake" playing in the background. Sounds of Thornclaw yelling at Brightheart and cursing at Tigerclaw can be heard, along with the sounds of sirens]

Narrator: Order right now for a final markdown on all these fabulous potions! It's the End of The World Closeout Event!

Thornclaw: (off-screen) HOW DID YOU HAVE TIME TO PLAN THIS?!

Brightheart: (off-screen) I am bankrupt! I was planning to set this place on fire yesterday!

P.A: 10 seconds. 9 seconds. 8 seconds. 7 seconds. 6 seconds. 5 seconds…

Brightheart: I did not think this through.

[large explosion occurs, wiping out entire forest…then the world]

Don't worry! Everyone survived! Except now everyone is either a demon or an angel! Also, Bluestar is planning to harm Brightheart and Tigerclaw! Mainly Brightheart!


	4. It Was Not My Fault

It Was Not My Fault

Bluestar sat on top of a flaming rock, which she was now unable to feel due to her angelic powers. Her narrowed eyes surveyed the group of demonic and angelic cats. "Okay." She began, closing her eyes as she flapped her wings. "It has been…5 hours and you've somehow managed to do something that screws up the fabric of the universe." She hopped down from the rock and stood in front of Longtail and Yellowfang. "When you died, your sprit didn't go to StarClan. Your sprit instead manifested itself into another physical form and decided to continue doing the same thing that killed you in the first place…which killed him as well. So in short, after so many times of dying, there are now 15 Longtail's roaming around the woods. Wonderful."

Next she padded over to Cloudtail, Spottedleaf and Sandstorm.

"All right, now with you, your only mistake was doing anything Tigerclaw tells you to do. You are also dead." Bluestar gestured at the three cats. "Spottedleaf, you died twice. There is also another one of you roaming around this forest."

Now Bluestar walked calmly over to Thornclaw, Brightheart, and Tigerclaw.

"Oh, where should I begin?" The she-cat pondered this for a moment. The flapped her wings happily. "Ah, I know. WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?!" The halo on her head was replaced with horns as she screamed at Brightheart in anger.

Brightheart, who now had wings and was still wearing her wizard hat, began to open her mouth to say something. She then closed it and thought of a new response. "I don't know what you're talking about." She replied calmly as she folded her arms.

Bluestar twitched her left eye. "WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! YOU'RE THE REASON THE WORLD ENDED!"

"No, actually Tigerclaw's the reason the world ended."

Tigerclaw glared at Brightheart briefly. "Who cares?!" His cat tail was now one of a demon's. "I keep doing things that I never get in trouble for."

"LIKE WHAT?!" Bluestar demanded.

"Oh, you actually think I'm going to tell you?"

Bluestar turned her attention back to Brightheart. "There is an overwhelming amount of evidence against you. Denying what you did would prove to be…IGNORANT!"

"I didn't do anything."

"Cats have tracked your scent down to a somewhat magical oak tree, filled with potions. Including the one that ended the world." Bluestar continued.

"Nope. Have no idea what you're talking about." Brightheart shrugged.

"ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?!"

"No, ma'am, I kid you not."

"HOW CAN YOU SIT HERE AND LIE TO MY FACE?!"

"I am not lying."

Fireheart padded between the two with outstretched paws on both cats. "Everyone, just calm down." His raised voice was barely heard over the furious voice of Bluestar.

Brightheart slowly began to back away from her leader. "Uh-huh. All right." She looked around quickly as she continued backing away.

"WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?!" Bluestar shouldered past Fireheart.

Brightheart stared at Bluestar with wide-eyes, then she glanced behind her at a floating cloud, then back to Bluestar again.

"Don't you dare."

Brightheart stared at Bluestar for a few more seconds. "I REGRET NOTHING!" Then she dashed off and hopped on top of the cloud, where she slowly hovered 3 feet off the ground as she moved away from everyone.

Bluestar ran after the cat, springing up in anger with outstretched claws, grunting in frustration as she grazed the cloud.

Graystripe yawned loudly. "So should we continue with this or what?"

"I don't see why not. The more we do this, the more mischief I can cause." Tigerclaw laughed evilly as he rubbed his brown paws together.

"You're insane." Sandstorm spat as she crossed her arms.

"Yeah well you're dead."


	5. Enjoy Your Favorite Christmas Songs!

Enjoy Your Favorite Christmas Songs!

Narrator: It's that time of the year again! That's right! The time of the year when the commercials for this holiday are shown the day after Thanksgiving, the time of year when Macy's should have a parade but don't, and the time of the year when you're out of school for two weeks and it goes by real fast because all you've done is sit at home on the internet and watching TV and staying up until 8:00 in the morning and going to bed and waking up at 4:00 except for the day of this holiday when your parents attack you and toss you out of bed and force you to get up early so you can eat like a pig and receive presents that you probably don't really want: Christmas! And what better way to enjoy the holidays by ordering The Golden Tree Christmas Collection, a collection of all your Christmas favorites.

[Cinderpelt stares at a Christmas tree with wide, excited eyes, meowing with pleasure as she paws at a large red ornament. She notices the camera and turns towards the audience.]

Narrator: Christmas hits, such as…Jingle Bells!

Cinderpelt: _If this is a dream, won't open my eyes_

_Am I asleep? No I'm alive_

_I just can't believe that this is my life_

_In my fantasy, we're running wild_

Narrator: Deck the Halls!

Cinderpelt: _If this is a dream, won't open my eyes_

_Am I asleep? No I'm alive_

_I just can't believe that this is my life_

_In my fantasy, we're running wild_

Narrator: We Wish You a Merry Christmas!

Cinderpelt: _If this is a dream, won't open my eyes_

_Am I asleep? No I'm alive_

_I just can't believe that this is my life_

_In my fantasy, we're running wild_

Narrator: Hey, why do you keep singing that?

Cinderpelt: (looking up at sky) that's the only song I know. Also, I don't know what Christmas is. (facing camera) Mousefur, you know that.

Narrator (A.K.A, Mousefur) My identity must remain a secret!

Cinderpelt: It's too late for that. We already heard your voice.

Mousefur: Hey, why doesn't Bluestar have to do any of this?

Cinderpelt: How do you know what she's doing?

Mousefur: Because she is right behind you, playing with that Christmas tree…thingy.

Bluestar: (meowing happily as she paws at angel decoration. She notices the two looking at her.) I…I am on…break.

Mousefur: Uh-huh.

Mousefur: (narrating) {Chandelier plays in the background throughout} So pick up a copy of…what did I say before…oh, yes…The Golden Tree Christmas collection. 45 hours of all the Christmas classics, sung and interpreted by Cinderpelt. (turns towards Bluestar) You could have at least told me what Christmas means before telling me to do something about it.

Bluestar: Look, I don't even know what it means. Again, I've told you that I have divine connections to StarClan. (resumes playing with Christmas tree)


	6. Angry Judgmental Judges

Angry Judgmental Judges

Whitestorm: (standing in front of a large desk with a silver paw print on the front of it. The room is dimly lit.) Four contestants from around the United States come here today for the chance to win 10,000 dollars. I don't know what a cat would want with 10,000 dollars, but who am I to judge? I mean that very literally. A panel of three judges will be critiquing the contestants' dishes.

There will be three rounds. One cat will be eliminated each round. Soon there will be only two cats remaining to face off for the 10,000 dollar grand prize. (Whitestorm cocks head) Can you believe that there is a Canadian version of this show? I would have rather seen an Australian one. I LOVE their accents! (Sadly) I wish I had an Australian accent.

{Title sequence shows picture of a trio of salmon doing the shuffle}

Whitestorm: Uh…Never mind. Well, the contestants are here. We have Dappletail, sprit of Redtail, and Runningwind here as judges. (turns to Redtail) You look quite angry.)

Redtail: (darkly) I'm dead.

Whitestorm: Oh yeah…well…you will have your revenge someday. (turns to Runningwind) You also look quite angry.

Runningwind: I'm dead.

Whitestorm: What? You too? How is that-

Runningwind: I'd tell you, but the length of time it would take for me to explain to you would take several years. It would also involve breaking the fourth wall, which I think we've done that too much already.

Whitestorm: Did we have a character do something that shouldn't have happened yet?

Runningwind: Yep.

Whitestorm: Huh. Oh, well. Let's continue that. (turns towards a small golden she-cat) This is Sunpaw. (squints eyes) make that Sun_kit_.

Sunkit: (meows)

Whitestorm: Well, I'm sorry if I've offended you. It is Sunpaw.

Sunpaw: (meows)

Whitestorm: (pads over to Onewhisker) You have traveled a long way here.

Onewhisker: I enjoy cooking.

Whitestorm: What?

Onewhisker: (gives Whitestorm blank, wide-eyed stare) Mostly dirt. I'm not allowed to play with fire any more.

Whitestorm: You're odd. (pads over to Silverstream) You seem nervous.

Silverstream: I don't want to be seen by anyone.

Whitestorm: We are being televised right now.

Silverstream: I don't know what that means.

Whitestorm: Ignorance is bliss. (pads over to Tigerclaw) Do you have a death wish or something?

Tigerclaw: Don't get mad at me! For some reason, I keep appearing every time one of you idiots decide to do something.

Whitestorm: Hmm. You know what? Just for that, I'm not gonna tell you what's going to happen to you. (Walks away.)

Tigerclaw: What's going to happen to me? Tell me! TELL ME NOW!

Whitestorm: No! (turns towards other contestants) The ingredients that you have to incorporate into your dish are: boiled shoe, pasta, an HP 17-inch 64-bit laptop with Windows 8.1 operating system, and the entire "Junie B Jones" series.

Onewhisker: Wait, only one of those things are food.

Silverstream: What is a laptop?

Tigerclaw: This is idiotic.

Whitestorm: You will all have 20 minutes to make an appetizer. You will also be allowed to use ingredients from the kitchen area.

Onewhisker: I'm still having a problem with us having to use a laptop in something that people have to eat-

Whitestorm: Time starts now. (stands on two legs and slowly wobbles over to where the judges are.) Oh, god. That hurts. (begins panting heavily)

Onewhisker: (Staring at basket full of "ingredients".) This doesn't make any sense!

Silverstream: Wow, this is what Graystripe is doing? I feel sorry for him.

Tigerclaw: How would you know what he's doing?

Silverstream: (staring at Tigerclaw, then grabs laptop and throws it at him)

Redtail: HEY! HEY! TIGERCLAW! LOOK OVER HERE WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU! (pounds table with left paw in anger)

Tigerclaw: (rubbing his head) I don't know what you're trying to accomplish. No matter what you do to me in revenge, you'll still be dead.

Redtail: COME OVER HERE AND SAY IT TO MY FACE, YOU COWARD!

Tigerclaw: No thank you, but I will kill you again if I have to. And that's a promise, not a threat. (stares at the boiled brown boot in front of him) I'll kill you along with the f****** idiot who came up with these ingredients.

Whitestorm: (talking to audience) Surprise, surprise, I'M the one who came up with them. (laughs evilly)

Redtail: HEY! HEY, IDIOT! YOU ONLY HAVE 10 MINUTES TO MAKE SOMETHING, YOU WORTHLESS B*****D!

Tigerclaw: I'm not doing this!

Onewhisker: Yeah, me neither. (large fire spreads around him, but goes unnoticed by him)

Silverstream: SWEET GOD, PUT IT OUT!

Onewhisker: (still not noticing the fire behind him) I don't know what you're talking about.

Silverstream: YOU'RE STOVE IS ON FIRE!

Onewhisker: (STILL not noticing fire) You are mistaken, (shaking head slowly) this is not my stove. This stove is property of Food Network.

Silverstream: THAT'S NOT THE POINT! SOMEONE PUT IT OUT! WHERE'S THE FIRE EXTINGUISHER?!

Tigerclaw: The "genius" here had it on the stove, so…now it's on fire.

Whitestorm: 30 seconds.

Redtail: OOH! NOW WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO, YOU TIGERCLAW B*****D! YOU'RE SCREWED NOW!

Silverstream: HOW ARE YOU ALL WORRIED ABOUT TIME?! THIS KITCHEN IS ON FIRE! FORGET THIS, I'M GETTING OUT OF HERE! (Runs towards the exit. Stops, grabs Sunpaw, then resumes running)

Onewhisker: (Finally acknowledges the fire, which has now spread to the other stations.) Oooohh! That's what she was talking about. (Laughed softly) I had no idea- HOLY CRAP WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! I'M NOT GOING OUT LIKE THIS! AND I'M TAKING THE HP! (Swipes up HP laptop before running out of the room)

Whitestorm: Time! (Looks around) Oh, am I the only idiot still here? Nope, there's Tigerclaw. (Faces judges) why aren't you running.

Redtail and Runningwind: (in unison) we're dead.

Whitestorm: Oh, yeah. What about you? (Staring at Dappletail)

Dappletail: I have good karma, so the Magical Birds of Eden shall come and pick me up and escort me out of here.

(two large white birds with flaming feathers crash through the ceiling and gently grab Dappletail by her shoulders and begin to carry her up out through the hole)

Dappletail: Goodbye! (Waving down to Whitestorm)

Whitestorm: Jesus, Bluestar had put us in a lot of situations where people get killed or almost killed. We need to elect a new leader, 'cause I'm tired of this bulls*** (throws of tie he was wearing and briskly walks out of building, leaving Redtail, Runningwind and Tigerclaw alone in a raging inferno)

Runningwind: (turns towards Redtail) Wanna play checkers?

Redtail: Yes, But first, I want to take care of something right quick. (glares at Tigerclaw as he laughs evilly) Oh, today is a great day for Redtail. (pads towards Tigerclaw as he rubs paws together)


	7. Bizarre Foods (Poor Longtail)

Longtail: (Voice Over) My name is Longtail. Since…what…like, yesterday, I've been dead from a food related accident. I have still not learned my lesson and I am now going to try more foods. However, I can't die because of them because, hey! Guess what?! I'm already dead.

[Zooming in on a large diabetic foot]

Longtail: (voice over, while showing the large diabetic foot) I'm going to travel all over the world to try foreign foods. Again, I have nothing to lose because I'm already dead.

[Longtail stands on top of a large purple mountain with his arms on his hips, staring at the horizon. He inhales deeply, then exhales, smiling happily. Unfortunately, it turns out that the mountain wasn't a mountain, but instead, a volcano. A large blast of lava shot up out of the top, burning Longtail to a crisp.]

Longtail: Oh…god, that hurt. (Coughs)

Yellowfang: (filming throughout) you're not gonna learn your lesson, aren't you?

Longtail: (happily) Nope! (Skips to a large mushroom covered in glitter) This is St. Patty's Mushroom. The creatures who live inside of this mushroom are allegedly magical, sadly, due to Brightheart's little incident, we are no longer allowed to do anything that involves anything with magic. (Sarcastically) Thanks. Anyway, because of that, it appears that we must go to the mushroom identical to St. Patty's Mushroom.

(Longtail and Yellowfang walk 10 steps over to the right and stand in front of a yellow mushroom with white spots on top.)

Longtail: Now this is called the St. Claw Mushroom. Why is it called this? I don't know. I'm just a cat who's started interacting with humans for the first time in his life. You will NOT judge me. (Kicks rock next to him)

Yellowfang: So, are we just going to stand here or-

Longtail: Oh, right. (Knocks on door with his tail)

(A trio of rabbits hop out of the mushroom)

Trio: (name of white rabbit with black spots over body with long black ears) Are you Sia? (Pointing to Longtail)

Longtail: No…

Trio: Aw. I wanna see Sia. (Turns to Yellowfang) Are you Sia?

Yellowfang: I don't even know who that is.

Trio: It's this awesome Australian woman who never shows her face who sung this with a little girl in it spinning around.

Longtail: I've never heard of her. Damn it, how do these other animals know more stuff than we do?

Yellowfang: Oh, you can curse, but I can't?

Longtail: That's because I have seniority over you.

Yellowfang: Aren't you supposed to be eating something?

Longtail: Oh, yeah.

Trio: We will give you food. But only if you insult someone we like.

Longtail: Well…that's nice of you…I guess.

Trio: You do not want this food.

Longtail: Why not?

Trio: Because demons from Hell will rise and attack your lower intestines. You will cough blood for all eternity as your eyes bulge out of your head. You will become possessed by the evil spirit of Zidona. She will ravage through your mind, altering your memories and turning them into ones darker than Satan's thoughts. Every nightmare you dream will become a reality. Soon you will fall into a state of paranoia so horrible that you'll go insane, questioning your very existence on this fragile planet. Suicide will seem like a wonderful paradise compared to being forced to endure this psychological pain for another second.

Longtail: Hmm…

Trio: But, then again…your call.

Longtail: Hmm…

Yellowfang: Why are you actually considering this?! Didn't you hear what he just said?!

Longtail: Yes, I did hear. But none of that can happen to be because I'm already dead! (turns towards Trio)

Trio: Actually-

Longtail: NO ONE CARES ABOUT SIA!

Trio: (exhales deeply with closed eyes) Alright. I can see that you just said that because you want to eat this food for some reason. Now, I am willing to give you another chance. You have been warned because I am doing this for your own good-

Longtail: AND NO ONE CARES ABOUT RIHANNA!

Trio: (exhales deeply with closed eyes) Okay. You're…you're really crossing the line here. I respect Rihanna, and Sia for that matter. Now, I have been patient with you and this is your final warning about this. I really, REALLY, do not want to make you eat this food. Please, stop now-

Longtail: AND NO ONES LIKES KATY PERRY, LADY GAGA, ELLIE GOULDING, NICKI MINAJ OR KESHA! OH, AND WHILE I'M AT IT, BRUNO MARS, CHRIS BROWN, USHER, FLO RIDA AND DAVID GUETTA SUCK!

Trio: (throws hands up in anger) you know what, that's it. THAT IS IT! YOU DO NOT MAKE FUN OF-OH, I WILL KILL YOU! DOUBLES, SINGLES, TIE HIM UP! (pointing to other rabbits as he hops towards the mushroom)

Doubles: (blonde rabbit with floppy ears) [in British accent] you shouldn't have done that. Trio adores Katy Perry. He was just singing "Wide Awake" this morning.

Singles: (white rabbit with gray stars over his back) [in Australian accent] you're about to go night-night now. (turns to Yellowfang) You are more than welcome to film his death, mate.

Yellowfang: At this point, I will, just so that I can view it later for my own pleasure. And so Bluestar knows that I wasn't the one who killed him.

[Doubles ties up Longtail's legs with rope while Singles tapes his mouth closed with gray tape. Trio returns out of the mushroom with a large baseball bat while playing "Dark Horse" on his iPod. He stands in front of Longtail, waving the bat back and forth, staring into his eyes. He swings and hits Longtail on the head on the very last line of the song, knocking him out unconscious]

**To Be Continued…**

**(No, I don't have time for that. We're finishing this sh*I right here and now)**

Yellowfang: What the hell is wrong with Bluestar?! Did we do something to her? Maybe so, BECAUSE I WANNA KNOW WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!

Trio: Hopefully your camera will be able to withstand temperatures of 3,000 degrees Fahrenheit.

Yellowfang: I mean, I guess- wait, I can't even withstand 3,000 degrees…what are you planning to do to him?

Trio: Well, first we must do the ceremonial Lava Dance of Sia's Chandelier.

[Chandelier begins to play. Smaller rabbits being dancing to the song as show in the video]

Doubles: (to Trio) I say, where are we getting the money for all of this?

Trio: Hmm…what is the "money" you speak of?

Doubles: (growling) don't play dumb with me. You've heard of money. Money: the stuff you somehow used to pay 30 tiny bunnies to dance to "Chandelier".

Tiny Bunnies: Keep my glass full until morning light, 'cause I'm just holding on for tonight. Help me, I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down, won't open my eyes…

[Longtail wakes up suspended over a large pit of lava. He is still tied around his legs, but now a rope tied to his tail attached to the ceiling slowly lowers him deeper into the lava.]

Longtail: HOLY SH*T! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!

Yellowfang: (laying on a hammock while taking a sip of lemonade) they're basically just f*****g around with you right now before they force-feed you some weird demonic food that's gonna end of killing you. Oh, I don't know why I'm telling you this because you should already know…SINCE YOU WERE THE ONE WHO MADE HIM DO IT!

Longtail: (closes eyes as he rubs his head in anger) how many times do I have to tell you: I CAN'T DIE AGAIN SINCE I'M ALREADY DEAD!

Yellowfang: You better be glad I have a little sympathy for you or I would have left you. (takes another sip of lemonade)

Tiny Bunnies: I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier!

Longtail: (gestures to Tiny Bunnies) and who are they?

Trio: Tiny bunnies who only dance to Chandelier. And "Disturbia".

Longtail: Hmm. Oh, well. I've been crazy for the past two hours, so why stop now? (to Trio) "Disturbia" was a horrible song!

Trio: (shrugs) It really doesn't matter anymore what you have to say. You're still gonna die a horrible death. Moron.

Tiny Bunnies: Cause I'm just holding on for tonight, cause I'm just holding on for tonight. Oh, I'm just holding on for tonight, on for tonight, on for tonight.

Trio: Now that the song is finished, you shall be dipped into the lava as I read from this scripture. (clears throat as she places one paw on the lever that controls Longtail)

"Airplanes in the night sky are NOT shooting stars. Furthermore, we are NOT who we are. On that matter, we know Who That Chick is. It's YOU, Rihanna. It's always been you. Ellie Goulding DOES in face have a problem with playing with fire. And who the HELL is Leonardo Da Vinci?"

[Trio dunks Longtail into the lava, muttering to himself in anger.]

Longtail: GOD THAT HURT!

Trio: (nodding) Yes, I know. That's why I did it. And that's why I'm going to do it again. MORE SCRIPTURE!

"Some people do NOT want to Die Young, Ke$ha. That's very depressing. Katy Perry should have hella diabetes, considering that she was in that world made of candy. And again I ask, WHO THE HELL IS LEONARDO DA VINCI?! I WANT SOME ANSWERS, DAMN IT AND I WANT THEM RIGHT DAMN NOW!"

[Trio dunks Longtail into the lava once more]

Longtail: (coughing) GOD, THE BURN!

Trio: (nodding) Yes. You will feel the burn. And once more for good measure. BRING ME THAT DAMN SCRIPTURE!

"Disney Channel is overrated and I am COMPLETELY bored of it. Some people just don't wanna dance, Lady Gaga. Is that alright with you? You don't have to be so aggressive about it. Adam Levine, you got your ass kicked in that "Misery" video. WHO THE F*****G F**K IS MOTHER F*****G LEONARDO DA MOTHERF*****G VINCI?!"

[Trio dunks Longtail into the lave for a third time]

Longtail: OH MY GOD, WHY?! (Side note: Longtail is now burned beyond recognition, but let's continue, shall we?)

Doubles: And now on with the food. Singles, where is the food getting fork?

Singles: (gestures around) Uh, everywhere mate.

Doubles: (staring at Singles with narrowed eyes) You've been in those bloody drugs again, haven't you?

Singles: That is for me to know and for you to find out after years upon years of psychological torture.

Trio: Oh, damn.

Singles: What?

Trio: I forgot to make a bloody Tyler Perry reference.

Doubles: It's alright; you made plenty of pop references. Some might say too many.

Trio: Oh, well. It doesn't matter now anyway. Let's get back to torturing this fool with food. (walks over to Longtail with a fork in his hand) You little moron. What I am about to feed you will be so horrible, so vile, so demonic, that you will be questioning every aspect of your short, pathetic life.

[Doubles pushes over a cart with a silver platter on top. The cart itself is covered with a white sheet.]

Longtail: (sniffs, then covers nose) WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!

Doubles: (laughing evilly) this is the food you're going to eat.

Trio: Yes. Enjoy the feast.

[Trio pulls lid off of platter, revealing one plate of Spam and one plate of Hash]

Longtail: (gagging) OH, GOD! IT SMELLS LIKE VOMIT!

Trio: YOU'RE GONNA EAT IT AND YOU'RE GONNA LIKE IT! NO, wait, I take that back. There's no way in hell you're going to like this crap. NOW EAT IT ANYWAY! I WILL HOLD YOUR GOOD FOR NOTHING TAIL DOWN!

[Doubles and Singles grab Longtail and strap him to a board, where they then grab the Hash and shove forkful after forkful into his mouth. Longtail begins sobbing loudly, flailing his arms and legs]

Longtail: I DON'T WANNA EAT IT! I DON'T WANNA EAT IT!

Trio: SHUT YOUR FACE!

Yellowfang: Next time I'm working with Fireheart. At least he's not annoying. (looking around) Alright, now who's gonna give me a ride?

[Elastic Heart begins playing]

Yellowfang: Seriously. I wanna go home.


	8. An Evening At Sophistication Manor (Pt1)

**An Evening At Sophistication Manor**

**Note: I am thanking the first two people who followed and faved me: Smallwhisker and Emberstorm of WindClan. Thank you! Second note: the second part to this will most likely be put on here in two days. I will not make a promise because there are times when I can't think of anything to write.**

**(No parody today. Just an original show. All characters will speak in a British Accent. Oh, and is it weird that I was listening to Ellie Goulding as I was writing some of this?)**

Sunshine: (a white she-cat with black feet and hands. A literal flame surrounds each hand and foot as the white fur ends and the black fur begins. The flames on her hands are purple and the ones on her feet are yellow.) [She is also speaking in a British accent] Luxury. Elegance, sophistication. These three words are used to describe the wonders that lie inside of the homes behind this gate. Homes that belong to very wealthy individuals who have spent their entire life inquiring their large fortune. But then there are some who didn't have to do any work for their chance at the fancy life. From Inheritances to hard work and drive, anyone can have the chance at a life filled with never-ending riches and abundant amounts of sinfully delightful pleasures. Join us at An Evening At Sophistication Manor.

[The words "An Evening At Sophistication Manor" are written on a black piece of velvet that is embroidered with gold in golden letters. The I in "Evening" is dotted with a slowly rotating diamond.]

Sunshine: (walking slowly in front of large mansions with beautiful yards with topiary and multiple colors and varieties of flowers) Hello, there. I'm Sunshine and I am delighted to take you on an exclusive look into the lives of some of the most wealthy people in the world. Fortunately for us, the wealthy citizens seem to have decided on living in the same neighborhood beside on another. Let's take a look at our first resident.

Graystripe: (Sitting curled up on a dark red leather chair in a dark room) Good evening, Sunshine. I am delighted to have you here.

Sunshine: Well, I am delighted to be here. Good evening to you as well. Now, in my notes, it says that you do not wish to be called by your "Official" name. You wish to be called by your pseudonym, Mr. Star. Now, is that correct?

Graystripe: (A.K.A, Mr. Star) That is affirmative.

Sunshine: Now, Mr. Star, you have successfully created a revolutionary line of advanced technologies. A lot of people have been calling you insane for some of the devices you've upgraded. What do you have to say about such name-calling?

Graystripe: (frowns slightly, then returns to his normal face) Ah, well there will always be those who are jealous of other people's successes, their divine level of creativity, and their desire to help the changing world in any possible way. (DROPPING ACCENT) Because, you know, PEOPLE ARE HATERS WHO ARE GONNA TRY TO TEAR YOU DOWN AND DESTROY WHAT LITTLE SELF-CONFIDENCE YOU'VE BUILT UP OVER YEARS, AND YEARS, AND YEARS! NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU WORK AND HOW MUCH YOU TRY YOUR HARDEST TO CREATE SOMETHING ON THIS EARTH, YOU WILL ALWAYS BE JUDGED BY THOSE WHO DO NOTHING AND SIT ON THEIR AS**ES ALL D**M DAY LONG, AND THE FUNNY THING IS THAT THEY WILL NEVER AMOUNT TO ANYTHING GREAT IN LIFE AND WILL HAVE TO FACE THE D**M FACTS THAT MAKING FUN OF MY HOPES, DREAMS, AND CREATIONS WILL BE THE FURTHEST THAT THEY WILL EVER GET IN LIFE!

[Crossing legs quickly]

Graystripe: (with accent again, calm) So, in summary, I am just going to ignore them and continue doing what I love best. Come, let me show you some of my latest inventions.

Sunshine: (Stares at Graystripe with wide, scared eyes, glances over to camera, then back over to Graystipe) Quite.

[Sunshine and Graystipe are in a large basement with blue walls and white floors]

Sunshine: Now, what is this, Mr. Star? (pointing to object on the table)

Graystipe: Ah! One of my personal favorites. You know how all desktop computers are square and rectangle, laptops are rectangle and square and even tablets are rectangle and square. Hell, even phones are rectangle? Do you notice this strange pattern of all the devices that we use in our everyday life, sharing the same four-sided shape?!

Sunshine: Quite.

Graystipe: Well not anymore! Behold! The Triangular Laptop!

[A small laptop in the shape of a pyramid sits on the table in front of the two]

Sunshine: (pokes at it with a pen) Well I must say that this is rather…umm…innovative. How does this work; there is no keyboard…nor mouse.

Graystripe: (scoffs softly) [shouting in "regal" tone of voice) The Tri-Top requires no mouse! What are you, crazy?! Something of this high caliber will not use barbaric, simple, and common tools such as a…mouse! No! Sir! the Tri-Top uses only the finest of communication methods previously unheard of in this entire universe.

Sunshine: Well…not to be rude, but…what is it?

Graystripe: YOUR MIND, DEAR! YOUR FREAKIN' MIND! (Points to his head)

[Graystipe walks over to Tri-Top, then meows quietly as he stares at it intently. The Tri-Top begins glowing, illuminating a soft blue hue of light.]

Graystipe: Alright, you beautiful little monster! I demand to see pictures of an angel having lunch with her middle-aged demon friend in the park inside of an underground Empire State Building filled with a complete DVD collection of every single episode of every single show that's ever been on Nickelodeon.

[Tri-Top glows red, followed by loud buzzing)

Sunshine: Is it supposed to do that?

Graystripe: No, (backs away from Tri-Top) it's not supposed to do that at all. (Turns to Sunshine and claps hands together) So…I'm going to call 911…wait, I can't do that.

Sunshine: Why not?

Graystripe: They refuse to send ambulances to this neighborhood anymore because they were deeply offended by our arrogance and snobbishness. Which, by all means, I don't understand. I consider myself to be a very humble living being. Snobbish? Hell, yes. I am a snobbish cat and I am not afraid to admit it.

Sunshine: I believe enthusiastic would be a better word choice for you.

Graystripe: (now backing into the wall behind him as he stares at the Tri-Top, wide-eyed.) [Dropping accent] Alright, that's it. I'm getting the hell out of here. I DON'T WANNA DIE! (runs up stairs as Tri-Top begins smoking) I AM NOT DYING TODAY!

[Sunshine waves her tail slowly as she looks towards the camera]

Sunshine: Well, my time here has…um…expired. Next we will be traveling to Deadfoot and Ashfoot's Manor.

[Suddenly, long metal arms extend from Tri-Top. The Tri-Top then hops off of the table and follows Graystipe upstairs, where the sounds of screaming and glass breaking can be heard.]

Graystipe: HOLY MEGA SHI-

[The words "An Evening At Sophistication Manor" are written on a black piece of velvet that is embroidered with gold in golden letters. The I in "Evening" is dotted with a slowly rotating diamond.]

Commercial Break (from the insanity going on around you):

[Fireheart stands in a white room with his hands behind his back. "Ghost" by Chelsea Lankes plays in the background throughout)

Fireheart: Tyler Perry. Scary black man or nice black man. (black and white picture of Tyler Perry is shown) A hard choice? Perhaps. Is he scary for being able to look like an actual woman…or is he nice for having a beard?

(picture of Morgan Freeman is shown, also in black and white.)

Fireheart: How about this one? Scary black man or nice black man. Scary for betraying us all for doing actual acting where we can ACTUALLY see him…or nice for having a beard?

(picture of Rihanna is shown…black in white.)

Fireheart: Ah ha! Not so easy, now, is it? Scary black man or nice black man…(turns to left, apparently talking to someone off-screen) Yes, Sandstorm, I know she's not a man; but I have to say it. Why? Because I was promised a Sims 3 Pets game if I did this. I've been a good boy. Yes I have…YES I HAVE! I have been a good boy because I haven't typed in "Creepypasta" on YouTube anymore when you told me not to because you said that it would give me nightmares. (clears throat and turns back to camera)

Scary black man for…uh…having…hair. I don't know; she hasn't did anything wrong. Or nice black man for having "Disturbia", A.K.A, my song! Wait, I take the first statement I made back. She could be a scary black man because there's a freaking spider in that video.

(Picture of Squidward's grandmother flashes on screen)

Fireheart: Scary black man or- (turns to left again) Yes, I know, Sandstorm; she's not a man…nor black…well…I-I have to say it because of the Sims 3 Pet game- YES IT IS WORTH IT! I'VE SEEN THE VIDEOS ON YOUTUBE WITH PEOPLE PLAYING THE GAME! IT IS AWESOME AND I WANT IT BUT EVERY TIME I GO TO WALMART, THEY NEVER HAVE IT! THEN I WENT TO GAMESTOP AND THEY DIDN'T HAVE IT, EITHER! **(Note: this is currently going on with me in real life)** What do you mean "how was I supposed to pay for it"? I have money…yes I do…YES I DO! I've worked at the Golden Corral for…2 days now. (turns around to face camera once more)

Scary black man for…uh…having a nose…or nice black man for wearing the same outfit every time you are shown and managing to pull it off?

_Narrator: Watch "Scary Black Man or Nice Black Man" every Sunday at 8/7c on Food Network._

**(Note: What is wrong with me?)**


	9. Demonic News I: No One Likes Sports!

Demonic News With…Whoever Wants To Do The News

9:22

**I AM SORRY THAT I LIED! I said that I would update in two days and it's been...well over two days! I will never make a promise to anything again and that is a promise!**

Graystripe: (sitting behind a shiny blue desk with a stack of papers in his paws) Good evening, and welcome to the Demonic News. Why Demonic News? Well, mainly because we all got turned into either demons or angels. I don't know what I'm a demon. I'm good people. (waves long demonic tail) I am. Our first topic for tonight: Why did they skip Windows 9 and go straight to 10. I am not upgrading. I love my 8.1. I love it. Also, stop hating on fat people. Then, dude, who even uses iPhone anymore? It's SOOOO overstated! I like the Windows Phone. Plus, why the the hell are The Simpsons still on? It's been…like…26 years.

Sandstorm: (spinning around the studio making airplane noises) WOO!

Graystripe: What are you doing?

Sandstorm: I'M WASTED!

Graystripe: What's that mean?

Sandstorm: (giggles loudly) I HAVE NO FREAKIN' IDEA!

Graystripe: Okay. (turns towards audience) We now go to Cinderpelt, who is live on the scene at Google. Cinderpelt?

Cinderpelt: (waiting 10 seconds before saying anything while staring seriously at the camera) That's right, Graystripe. I don't know what you're right about, but I said it anyway, so there! The people at Google are planning to make a digital hot dog. That's right, an electronic wiener, a techno frank, a computerized…meat dragon. When the Google CEO was asked what was he thinking, he simply replied: "B***h, I can do whatever the hell I want. I invented G-mail."

Graystipe: Then what happened?

Cinderpelt: Well, then I killed him, since he called me a b***h. May you rest in peace, you worthless jackass. (bows head, then raises it quickly) Also, I was in Google earlier; all they do is play games with each other while jumping around, blowing bubbles and eating candy. simply stares at the wall all day, Internet Explorer tries to keep up with the times, but fails miserably, and Java…well, we don't wanna go there. Back to you. (looking around) So, do I just stand here or what?

Graystripe: Thank you, Cinderpelt.

Sandstorm: Okay! So…I gotta secret, but you can't tell Fireheart. Is that alright?

Graystripe: I guess. But you know I'm his friend and we…I smell old people…normally tell each other everything, so I will go behind your back and tell him anyway. Also this is being televised. But do continue. (props elbows on desk as he stares at Sandstorm)

Sandstorm: Guess who's having a baby?

Graystripe: Kanye West? I am so freaking tired of him! I _knew_ he looked fat! Shutter-shade wearing mother-

Sandstorm: No, silly! Me!

[Scream can be heard in a distance]

Graystripe: Has it been…no, I'm not gonna say it. I don't wanna say anything about any books.

Sandstorm: (waved tail) okay. Well, if I have a boy, I'm naming him-

Graystipe: Wait a minute. I thought people weren't supposed to drink when they're pregnant.

Sandstorm: (stares at Graystripe, waving her tail slowly) I…I am now an angel; it is a known fact that angels cannot get hurt. (bangs fist on desk) I'd love to demonstrate this by having someone set me on fire, but since I'm pregnant, I am unable to do so.

Graystripe: Wait, but…if you're an angel and angels can't get hurt what does being pregnant have to do with-

Sandstorm: Look, I already told you I'm wasted; I don't know what's coming out of my mouth.

Graystripe: But…so there's a chance that you're not-

Sandstorm: Stop trying to be logical and over-analyze everything. It's not fun when there's a kill-joy going on and on about something, pointing out it's every flaw!

Graystipe: (flips desk over in anger) HEY! There are many things that I am: a gray cat! A… (eyes widen as he stares down at Sandstorm) Uh…I'm a…hmm…BUT I AM NOT A KILL-JOY!

Sandstorm: (walks over to desk, places it back on its normal side, then flips it over again) Oh, yes you are!

Graystipe: (pointing to desk, which is now on fire) What was the point of that?

Sandstorm: TO SHOW YOU THAT I AM FUN AND YOU ARE NOT!

Graystipe: Oh, you little…fine. You think that I'm a kill-joy?! I'll show you!

12:15

[Sandstorm lays on the desk, staring up at the ceiling as she waves her tail back and forth.]

Sandstorm: I wonder how many kittens I'll have. What if I have six? No, that wouldn't work. It's too many. What if I have three? No, that wouldn't work either; they'd probably all be evil. One? That's not enough. Two? Yes, that would work perfectly. (glances down on the floor.) What is this?

Graystripe: This is a raw 24 pound turkey. His name is Paul. He has a twin brother named Lee Daniel's The Butler and a sister named Law and Order…both are raw turkeys with type 3 diabetes. (pets Paul slowly) Yes, sir. This is a classy turkey.

Sandstorm: (stares at Graystipe with a look of shock and annoyance) You do realize that this is insane.

Graystipe: Well it's what you wanted.

Sandstorm: No…I said that you need to stop being a kill-joy. I didn't say anything about you needing to be insane.

Graystipe: I am not insane.

Sandstorm: You're freaking petting a raw turkey.

Graystipe: (stops petting Paul) Well…SHUT UP!

[Loud alarm goes off, signaling the end of Lunch]

(Sandstorm hops off of desk and sits back down in her seat)

Sandstorm: Okay, then. You do whatever makes you happy.

Graystipe: (resumes to pet Paul) I WILL!

Speaker: And I don't know where I'm going , but I know it's gonna be a long time. And I'll be leaving in the morning, come the white wine bitter sunlight..

Graystipe: (turns to Sandstorm) You changed the music.

Sandstorm: Yes? Why, is there a problem?

Graystipe: (angrily) Yes, there is! I told you that I had a nightmare that Ellie Goulding was under my bed!

Sandstorm: You also said that you had a nightmare that Rihanna and the Burger King mascot were under your bed.

Graystipe: (stares at Sandstorm with narrowed eyes before slowly turning his head back to a stack of blank paper in front of him) Good afternoon, and welcome back to Demonic News. Why Demonic News? Because we've all lost our minds and decided on the first thing that came into our heads for a news show. Our top story: a man dares to venture into a woman's restroom but fails after he is quickly spotted, then beaten to death. May you not rest in peace.

Sandstorm: How is this news?

Graystipe: I don't know.

Sandstorm: Hmm. Also, we give you a list of 10 Food Network cooks who look like they would do something bad. Spoiler alert: Bobby Flay is number 1 through 10. I'm sorry, but he scares me.

Graystipe: But first, a story that is very important: why it seems like high schools only care about football. We go to Spottedleaf with details.

Spottedleaf: (voice over as a football field is shown) Football. A supposedly All-American pastime. Or is that Baseball? I don't know, nor care, because all sports are completely useless. And, most of these sports had already originated in other countries, so by Americans saying that they're "American" is a lie. Just because grass grows in America, doesn't automatically make it that America invented grass. Anyway…

(voice over continues as a Whopper is being set on fire)

Spottedleaf: When one begins their journey to high school…what kind of name…they expect to be filled with knowledge, art classes, and the wonderful sensation of shoving sexual predators into a locker. Wait a minute-

(voice over continues as a tombstone is shone)

Spottedleaf: But unfortunately, this is not the case. Oh, no…there is a song that Flo Rida sings with the words 'oh, no' in it and I can't think of the freaking name….Even if you're not on a football team, you will be bombarded with announcements of upcoming games and victories and…stuff like that.

Graystipe: Who's in charge of the pictures? Oh….never mind. I am. Please continue, Spottedleaf.

Sandstorm: (muttering in anger)

Graystipe: What was that?

Sandstorm: SHUT UP!

Spottedleaf: (now walking on The World's Largest Hamburger with a microphone in her hand) That's right, Graystipe-

Graystipe: I didn't say anything-

Spottedleaf: Well, I know, but as my job as a reporter, I must say, 'that's right' even if I don't agree with what you said. You know what? I'm not gonna do it. THAT'S WRONG, GRAYSTRIPE!

Graystipe: Well that was uncalled for.

Spottedleaf: I thought you were supposed to be fun.

Graystipe: And I thought you were supposed to be a GIRL!

Spottedleaf: I am here at…holy Hobby Lobby…West North Southeast Rightwestern Northern High and I am talking to Dr. Senior Cornel Captain Senator Mr. Davidson Jr., the school principle. Now, Dr. Senior…you know what? There's no way that I'm gonna say his full name. And that goes for the school, too. Sir, I'm referring to you as Tubbs and your school as Jackboxer.

Graystipe: Those sure are some random names.

Spottedleaf: Yes, they are.

Sandstorm: Before you two can go any further, I now have to say a corny joke or make some sort of corny side comment, and you two must laugh along with it, even though it's not funny.

Graystipe: Why?

Sandstorm: (sighs) Because the news is typically broadcasted and viewed by the elderly, we must include some sort of humor that only they will understand. Humor that is non-offensive, nor funny in any way.

Graystipe: Okay. Well, how are you going to do that?

Sandstorm: I'll pick a notecard out of this top hat. (reaches over to top hat and pulls out an index card) Ah, yes, Here's a goodie, and it also happens to relate to our topic: Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back. Get it? God, I hate society.

Graystripe: I don't wanna laugh at that.

Sandstorm: You have to or else the elders will revolt and stop watching the news, then the show will lose ratings and we'll be out of a job.

Graystripe: If all of this is fake, what does it matter if we lose these "jobs"?

Sandstorm: I think we've taken this to the point of being real that we've forgotten that this is fake. We have convinced ourselves and put ourselves in situations that should have taken longer than a few hours to accomplish. Example: managing to get a job and traveling to a high school to interview an actual principle. But since we can't break the fourth wall anymore, we must continue doing this. Also, I am no longer wasted and I will go get a damned hammer and some dubya D 40. (Sandstorm gets up from seat and goes into another room)

Graystipe: What the hell is dubya D 40?

Sandstorm: Google it!

Spottedleaf: (clears throat) May I continue? The views will be quite confused if we keep going back and forth like this.

Graystripe: Yes, you may.

Spottedleaf: Thank you, dear. Now, Mr. Tubbs, what's your point of view on the idea of football at Jack…crap…what did I say before? I don't care. Tubbs, why do you force football into the gullets of your adolescent students?

Principle: Well, strange cat that I am either imagining due to the LSD that I've done or is actually standing in front of me, I wouldn't say that I force football. No. I'd say that I am lightly pushing them in the direction of this wonderful sport.

Spottedleaf: I see. And what exactly do you do…love me like you do; I have to download that sweet sweet grove…to "push"…whatever?

Principle: Oh, all sorts of things! We pass out flyers advertising the games, send students e-mails, sale T-shirts, wristbands, hats, announcements over the intercom and on the morning news show. We really want to make sure that everyone is aware of the big game. We've even tried to advertise on the radio and on the news.

Graystripe: Is that some kind of hint? Because we're not doing that on this news show. No way in a thousand hells. Can he hear me?

Spottedleaf: (to Graystripe) No; he's not wearing the little…earpiece.

Graystipe: Well tell him I said it.

Spottedleaf: (pauses for 5 seconds) No. (to Principle) Just out of curiosity, what is the name of the news show?

Principle: The Fighting Eagles West North Southeast Rightwestern Northern High Morning News.

Spottedleaf: Sweet Bruce-Willis-Needs-To-Stop-Being-Bald-And-Grow-Some-D**m-Hair, that's a long name!

Principle: (nods in agreement) Oh, yes. But we couldn't think of another name.

Spottedleaf: (shakes head) Alright. So I'm under the assumption that The Fighting Eagles is the name of the Football Team?

Principle: Yes. Ever since 1933, when West North Southeast Rightwestern Northern High first opened.

Spottedleaf: Sweet Steve-Harvey-Used-To-Have-Hair-But-Shaved-It-Off-Because-He's-Trying-To-Copy-Bruce-Willis-And-Also-Because-His-Hair-Tried-To-Kill-Him-In-His-Sleep-So-Now-He-Gives-Me-Neverending-Nightmares this school is old!

Principle: (nods in agreement) Yes, it is.

Spottedleaf: Well, perhaps we should get back to subject of the actual football. What do the majority of the children on the football team look like?

Principle: Large blonde haired white males with blue eyes.

Spottedleaf: I hate your society. Do continue because your words will only fuel the anger that festers quietly inside of me (points microphone closer to Principle)

Principle: Okay. Well, the football players practice seven days a week for about 3 hours. They always talk about sports with their fellow peers, which are only other football players. Why? Because normal people don't have the desire to talk about football all day long, so the Fighting Eagles must seek out other people like them. This problem also consists with the basketball team, soccer team, and baseball team; This is a very stereotypical high school.

Spottedleaf: (scribbles down something on a small notepad without looking up) Got it; I hate you.

Principle: Yes. Also, the football players typically go around bullying the weak and manage to get away with it because their coaches will back them up on anything they do. If the school is set on fire, no one will ever suspect and blame the football players. And if someone ever does announce that they think the football players had something to do with it, that person will be shunned for ever daring to say something wrong against the much beloved football players. The Fighting Eagles are also very dense and fail all their classes, but the coaches manage to convince me to raise their grades to C's and B's. In the majority of other high schools, the people on sports teams must have passing grades in order to stay on the team and are warned by both their teachers and coaches if they are in danger of failing. But since this is a stereotypical high school…things are different.

Spottedleaf: (continues writing, then slowly looks up) Wait a minute…you are aware of the students failing, and you change their grades to make them look like they're passing?

Principle: Yes.

Spottedleaf: Why?! What about the students that are actually working hard to do good in school? What about the students who are desperately studying and trying to succeed in their school work in order to get some sort of scholarship or a better choice of colleges?!

Principle: The Fighting Eagles are…more desirable than the students who aren't participating in extracurricular activities.

Spottedleaf: What the hell does that mean?!

Principle: Look, West North Southeast Rightwestern Northern High is famous for our football team and nothing else. The superintendent doesn't care about how well our test scores are, how well our students get along with each other, how good our teaching staff is. But on the day that he found out that we have a football team, all the way in the 50's, he started taking interest in us. It was the first time that anyone had taken any interest in us; it felt special. From that day on, we knew that we had to do everything in our power to maintain our image.

So we do: we give them the best lunch, the bester classes, the newest lockers, the best teachers, and the best grades. We are always getting awarded with money and awards; I mean, how else were we expected to maintain a school that's 82 years old. Well, technically, it's 81; we celebrate our anniversary in two weeks with the biggest football game of the year. If all goes well, this will be our 5000th consecutive win over the entire history of the school.

Spottedleaf: You're an idiot. What I'm hearing is complete and utter bulls**t! You are a liar! You have brainwashed the pure minds of the teachers and corrupted the moral fiber that used to hold them together! You know what? Screw you and this school! (turns to camera) Now turn this camera off so I can burn this school down and maul him!

[Camera shuts off]

Graystipe: Well…that was awesome. Let's make this a reoccurring story. Who cares about a boy getting stuck in a well; this is awesome! Oh, don't look at me like that? The boy is 22. You would be lying to me if you told me he wasn't intoxicated! (bangs fist on the desk) LIES!

Sandstorm: There is a gigantic crab in here and he is scaring me and he says that he wants my lunch money. HELP!

Graystipe: That concludes Demonic News for today. Join us again in two weeks for a follow up on the story: "The Demented Brown Ball: The Story of Lies, Sweat, and Blue-Eyed B******s" I personally don't hate blue eyed people; I wish I had blue eyes. Like, deep blue eyes. (hops off chair and pads to the room where Sandstorm is) I wonder if Brightheart had something like that.

Intercom: "And I don't know where I'm going but I know it's gonna be a long time. Cause I'll be leaving in the morning come the white wine bitter sunlight…wanna hear your beating heart, tonight…"

[Screen fades to black as song plays quietly]


	10. It's Time To Face Reality

It's Time To Face Reality

**I know it's not really a chapter. This is just to give hints about where the rest of this story is going. Are you amused? Are you angry? Why am I asking this?**

Bluestar gathered on top of a large red diamond in the middle of the forest. It was evident that the red diamond was done by Brightheart, who was nowhere to be seen. "Alright, everyone, settle down. There is a reason that I called this meeting. The several shows that have been done have resulted in physical disfigurements, such as all of us either being a demon or an angel, causalities…I mean, how many times can Spottedleaf die? Also, I have noticed that some of you have managed to actually get jobs just to do your show. My comment on that is: who decided to hire a cat? The twolegs hired a cat. Am I talking down to the cats? No, I am not, but I am curious as to why they would hire a cat." Bluestar quickly looked in the direction of Sandstorm, Graystipe, Cinderpelt and Spottedleaf. "Who hired you?"

"No one did," Graystripe explained. "We literally just walked inside of the building and started doing the news show."

"Also, in two weeks, I'm gonna need a few days off." Spottedleaf added. "I must make sure that he never speaks of what I did to him to anyone." She muttered to herself darkly.

The leader waved her tail slowly as she watched Spottedleaf. "Wonderful. You are now evil. That is fantastic. While we are on the subject of the news show, I have received a complaint from someone living in a place called…Text Us? Test us? I'm not entirely sure of that. Anyway, they said that they were not amused with us talking about some quote on quote, dubya D 40 and a dammed hammer. I don't know what the H that is but I don't think I like it."

"I want some dubya D 40." Longtail pouted.

"In other news," Bluestar continued. "Sandstorm is having kits! Oh, how wonderful! And I am not being sarcastic this time; this is legitimate good news. On a side note, Fireheart is still unconscious. He had been unconscious since 9:30 this morning." Bluestar began to lay down on the red diamond and wrapped her tail around her. "If this is a game, I am not amused."

"Can I not be amused, next?" Graystripe raised his hand and waved it around excitedly.

"Do you want me to be angry with you?" Bluestar asked darkly as she glared coldly at the gray tom.

Whimpering softly, Graystripe lowered his head and proceeded to stare at the ground. "No, ma'am."

"Okay, then. Lastly, I gave all of you a 24-hour time period to create some television programs. We have surpassed that time limit. It has now been 72 hours. How is that possible? Well, after the little incident with Brightheart, we were sent two days into the future. Also, the sun dial isn't working because…someone stole the little…mechanism that creates the shadows, so now I don't know what time it is. There is a thief in this clan and I intend to find it. Unless that person is taller than me; I have a fear of tall cats. You are free to go. I suppose the time limit was in a way unnecessary…but it added fun to it." As the cats dispersed, a small smile appeared on Bluestar's face. "But the fun doesn't have to end there. Perhaps I can get others involved with this. But I'll need some help from Brightheart." She laughed mischievously before hopping down on her search for the magical cat.


	11. Things That Annoy Fireheart 1

Things That Annoy Fireheart #1

** Note...of Omega Life...:This is what I write when I'm bored and there's nothing else to do.**

{Fireheart is standing in front of a weeping willow with his hands (paws?) behind his back}

Fireheart: Do you want to know what annoys me? Sports. I don't care what you say, I hate them, and I hate them all. The first sport that I really hate is football. Ooh! You can throw a weird-shaped ball through one of those yellow things. Ooh! You ram into people and risk permanent injury all for getting across a white line spray-painted on the grass. Ooh! Well aren't you special!

{Screen shows a plump white rabbit with black spots nibbling on a grape}

Fireheart: The second sport that I don't like is basketball. Ooh! You run around, back and forth until you pass out! Ooh! You can dribble a ball! Ooh! Every time something on TV mentions something about basketball, they show a black tall man! What if I wanna see a Hispanic short woman?! Or a morbidly obese…Jewish…Swedish…girl…something.

{Signal loss}

Fireheart: Third…baseball. Side note: why do all these "major" sports end in the word "ball"? Uh, yes, we are aware that you must use a ball in order to play. That doesn't need to be stated in the name. Ooh! You give a possible weapon to people who are on the verge of snapping due to the intense heat that is on them, combined with their horrible losing streak! No problem there! Side, side note: we need more people with health problems playing spots! God, freaking-

{signal loss}

Fireheart: Then there's dodgeball…again with the "ball". (shakes head in disappointment) I…really don't know if this is a real sport. I mean, if you think that throwing balls at 50 miles per hour at third graders an actual sport…you sadistic b*****d. (unsheathes claws)

{signal loss}

Fireheart: And the gym teachers don't care! Oh no! They think it's funny when a ball hits someone in the head! WELL WHAT DO YOU EXPECT FROM SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T HAVE A REAL JOB?! THEIR LIVES SUCK!

{signal loss}

Fireheart: And they always aim for the ones with glasses! Always! If I got hit by someone who decided to throw the ball at me and I'm wearing glasses, I'd go over there and beat the crap out of them!

{signal loss}

Fireheart: (sighs deeply) I'm sorry. I'm just so angry and tired. I'm normally not like this. If I've offended anyone who loves these sports or plays them…for some odd reason…I'm sorry. It's nothing against you personally. I don't hate you…unless you play football. Then I hate you. I hate you with every fiber of my body! Ooh, and I hate you if you're a gym teacher. (smiles and begins waving) Good-bye!


	12. Things That Annoy Fireheart 2

Things That Annoy Fireheart #2

**Note: Is there a rule about things being this short? I'm sorry.**

Fireheart: (standing in front of a banana tree) Do you want to know what annoys me? All the One Direction fanfiction I keep seeing on Quotev.


	13. Things That Annoy Fireheart 3

Things That Annoy Fireheart #3

Fireheart: (standing knee-deep in water) Do you want to know what annoys me? Reality shows. Oh, god, how I hate them all! I had hope in them when I saw the first reality show that showed a veterinarian in…Canada, I believe? I'm not too sure on this? But that hope is gone since there are like, five, on TV now. Most reality shows are scripted…hold on, my song is on.

{signal loss}

Fireheart: _I'd like to make myself believe…that planet Earth turns slowly. It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep…'Cause everything is never as it seems…_

{signal loss}

Fireheart: Most reality shows are scripted. Although I have no evidence of this…uh…

{signal loss}

Fireheart: _I'd like to make myself believe…that planet Earth turns slowly. It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep…'Cause everything it never as it seems…_

{signal loss}

Fireheart: "Survival" is fake! Why would you risk your life for money?! What's the point of enjoying money if you're gonna be in the ICU…hold on, my other song is on.

{signal loss}

Fireheart: _You make me feel so right, even if it's so wrong. I wanna scream out loud, but, but I just bite my tongue. This one's for the girls messin' with the boys, like, he's the melody and she's background noise…_

{signal loss}

Fireheart: "Naked and Afraid" is weird. It is a show about two naked people in a horrible location on Earth who have to find food and water for 21 days. No one has died…yet. Now there is a new version of the show where there are 12 naked people somewhere for…I think…40-something-days…I might be wrong on this. So now there is a larger possibility of death…hold on, my other song is on.

{signal loss}

Fireheart: _Too cold for you keep her, too hot for you to leave her. Who's that chick? Who's that chick?_

{signal loss}

Fireheart: I…I think I'm done for the day. Good-bye…go away. (looks down at the rising water around his legs) Is…is someone going to help me…or…what? I cannot afford to die again.


	14. We Love Our Worthless Junk! (pt 1)

We Love Our Worthless Junk! (A Hoarders Parody)

Mousefur: (facing the camera with a serious face)I don't consider myself to be a hoarder.

(camera pans down, showing 17 raw chickens on the ground, then pans back up to Mousefur)

Mousefur: What, that? Oh, that's nothing. I actually need that for…something.

(camera pans behind her, revealing junk piled up to the ceiling. The floor is not visible and is covered with empty boxes, candy wrappers, pencils, food items, 1985 VHS tapes, a hostage victim, shoes, and other various…items.)

Mousefur: (angry) Don't you look at me like that! What the hell else am I supposed to do?! I sit in a den with elders all day! The stories that they tell aren't accurate at all and then they get mad at me when I try to correct them! Yes, I know that I should know better than to get into an argument with old people, but…it's not right! None of them are right!

(camera pans down to ground, shaking back and forth, then pans back up to Mousefur's face)

Mousefur: Are we going to have a problem?

(Various pictures of junk is shown, fading to black after each one is shown. There is video footage of old women with red curly hair crying, footage of angry old men with no hair shouting at police officers, and footage of families hugging each other and walking into the sunset holding hands. "Demons" by Imagine Dragons play in the background, overlapping the voices. Finally the words "Hoarding: Buried Alive Special Edition- You Have Enough Junk Already; You Don't Need Any More; It's Time To Get Rid Of It; This Has Been Going On For Some Time Now And Everyone Is Sick of It" is shown in bold red letters, sitting next to a pile of rotting garbage)

Fireheart: (standing outside of house holding a camera) Why…why are we doing this again?

Graystripe: I don't know, but it's funny.

Fireheart: No it isn't. This is sad…in a not-really-sad way.

Graystipe: Why are we here again?

Fireheart: Wait, you don't know?

Graystripe: No…but once I get inside of that house I'm taking anything that isn't nailed down.

Mousefur: (opens door) Oh, what is this?!

Fireheart: Oh, yeah. Now I remember why we're here. (turns to Mousefur) We were sent here by Bluestar because of your "hoarding" issue.

Graystripe: She didn't say hoarding; she said that we need to make her get rid of this junk or else she was gonna throw us into the river. Then she'd throw us into that cave.

Fireheart: What cave?

Graystripe: I don't know. I started tuning her out.

Mousefur: I don't have a hoarding issue!

Fireheart: Oh, really? (glances past Mousefur) I…I can see…literally, I'm not joking…four mountains of junk. There is a computer from 1992 sitting proudly on top. Got Windows 2 Running on there and…we're on Windows 8…point 1.

Mousefur: I can still use it!

Fireheart: No you cannot!

[Scene changes, showing an outline of a family walking with hands on each other's back while "Demons" play in the background]

{Fireheart, Graystripe, and Mousefur are inside of the small house. They are standing next to a wall, since there is nowhere to sit down.}

Fireheart: This is ridiculous. (looks up) I can't even see the ceiling. Filth.

Graystripe: Now, Bluestar wants us to ask you a few questions about your strange junk problem. Now, I have a theory that you have all this junk because you're afraid of going into Walmart after dark because that's where all the bad men come out to play. So…with that being said…Question number one: Are you afraid of going into Walmart after dark because that's where all the bad men come out to play?

Mousefur: (Shaking head slowly) You're an idiot.

Graystripe: Well that's mean. At least I don't have 50 years of junk inside my house! (slams down clipboard in anger) Damn you!

{Scene change showing faded video footage of an old woman with curly red hair shouting with her eyes closed at a bold headed man. "Demons" plays in the background}

[Fireheart is sitting on a large trashcan from 1987 as Mousefur sits across from him on a overturned book self with a scowl on her face. Graystripe is busy pawing at one of the KFC buckets filled with rainwater, laughing loudly]

Fireheart: (trying to block out his friend's loud laughing) Question number two: how long have you been hoarding?

Mousefur: (folds arms) I am not a hoarder. (turns head away)

Fireheart: Yes you are. Question number three: Why are there so many KFC containers—Graystripe! When did you write this on here?

Graystripe: When I was counting the KFC buckets and I reached 10. (returns to paw at the container)

[Fireheart scratches the back of his head with the pencil that he's been writing with.]

Fireheart: Okay. Follow up question: Why on God's Green Earth do you have 10—

Graystripe: 50! I last counted 50!

Fireheart: 50 KFC memorabilia, including cups, boxes, buckets…and so on.

Mousefur: I like the color red, and I guess white is okay as well. I don't eat anything from that place…except the occasional lemonade and mashed potatoes. I just go into the dumpster and get as many as I can get. It's a fun little game that I like to play.

Fireheart: Wait a minute…so you're telling me that you…don't actually eat the food…but…instead go look for empty containers of it…in their dumpster?

Mousefur: That is correct.

Fireheart: Oh, what the hell?!

Mousefur: Eating fried foods can be extremely unhealthy and can possibly lead to death.

Fireheart: Oh! But hoarding rotten, filthy boxes and filthy contaminated water is perfectly healthy?! There is mold on the ground, mold on the ceiling, which I can't see by the way since there is so much junk covering it! If you stay in here any longer, you're gonna end up dead!

Mousefur: (dryly) We're all angels and demons now, remember? We can't get sick.

Fireheart: (stares at Mousefur in silence)

Graystripe: 51!

{Sounds of dishes breaking in the background}

[Scene changes showing police officers holding back a young woman with black hair who's trying to attack an older woman who's wig is currently on the ground. "Demons" play in the background]

Fireheart: Okay, Mousefur. Let's move on to the next stage of the…therapy…or whatever it is we're doing. Since we don't know what's causing your strange behaviors-

Graystripe: We do know! She's a freaking lunatic! Who in their right mind dumpster dives for garbage?! Who? WHO?!

Fireheart: (twitches ears) I hate to admit it, but he's right. You are a lunatic. Anyway, we will proceed with the next stage of trying to help you: throwing the trash away. (gestures to the garbage around them)

Mousefur: I don't know what you're talking about! This is not junk! This is beautiful treasure!

Fireheart: I swear to God that if you start crying I will kill—

Mousefur: SILENCE! I don't care what you say! I'm not throwing away any of my belongings!

Fireheart: There are bags of used napkins in the corner over there! There are 15 raw Cornish Game Hen's scattered all over the floor! There is a poster of Katy Perry over there…wait…I suppose that's…alright…I don't know…but you see my point!

Mousefur: You'll never take away any of my belongings! They're mine and I'm gonna keep them forever and ever! NOW GET OUT!

[Fireheart turns back to Mousefur and talked into a walkie-talkie]

Fireheart: Send backup.

**We're going to take a quick commercial break, which will most likely be...something...stupid...no. **


	15. Commercial Break!

Advertisement #1

Note…of life: In order for there to be shows, there must be commercials to promote the shows and also to…get…money to…fund shows. I don't know. I don't know how commercials really work. All I know is that they are annoying and can sometimes take up five-minutes depending on what television station you're watching. Also, most of the time, commercials are often promoting something stupid (Ex: Google 'Bacon Bowl').

Now is the time to make fun of these commercials.

[Ravenpaw is laying on the ground, lapping water quickly]

Ravenpaw: (waves tail slowly) I think I'm gonna take a nice nap later.

Announcer: Hey, you!

Ravenpaw: OH, GOD!

Announcer: Are you tired {**(of two geeks in moustaches…I'm sorry. This is me talking. It had to be said)**} of bland, old water? Are you tired of the lack of taste that hits your tongue every time it enters your mouth?

Ravenpaw: No…n-no, not really. I'm actually pretty content with something that I've been drinking my whole life…um...w-who are you—

Announcer: I thought so! Well I have the thing for you! Introducing…Methamphetamine!

Bluestar: What did I tell you about selling illegal substances?! Get over here!

Announcer (A.K.A, Longtail): How am I supposed to know if something is illegal?! How are any of us supposed to know?! We have lived in this forest our whole lives! I just goggled the most funniest sounding word and put it in here!

Bluestar: I SAID GET OVER HERE!

Longtail: NO!

Ravenpaw: Um…w-what am I supposed to…to do?

Bluestar: I…I thought you died.

{Signal Loss}

**I know of no commercial that is similar to this in any way. I'm bored...so...I don't know; ignore me.**


	16. We Love Our Worthless Junk! (pt 2)

{Scene changes, showing Mousefur's head Photo Shopped onto the screaming old woman with red hair from before. "Demons" plays in the background.}

Mousefur: (looking at a screen) I'm not sure I appreciate that.

Graystripe: I know, but it's so funny!

Fireheart: (clears throat) Technically, you're not allowed to see the…scenes…or make any comments on them. Is that called breaking the fourth wall?

Mousefur: (sighs angrily) Can we get to the part where you go away and I never see you again.

Fireheart: I've called in some help to help with our little predicament. I figured that if I get more cats to help me, we'll be out of her before Graystripe can steal everything in your house?

Mousefur: Fine, if it'll get you out of my house any fast…wait, who's stealing from me?

Fireheart: No one. (turns towards door) Sandstorm!

[Sandstorm come into house, holding a metal bucket and an oversized pink toothbrush]

Sandstorm: What the hell? (looking around the house) Whoa! Who the F did all this?! Oh, it smells like rotting meat in here! God, I think I'm gonna be sick! (Gags)

Mousefur: (rolls eyes) It does not smell that bad in here!

Graystipe: Holy crap, we're up to 70 KFC-

Mousefur: SILENCE!

Sandstorm: Fireheart, why did you call me here?

Fireheart: This house is overflowing with useless junk, such as Hot Pockets from the early 2000's, the old Disney Channel logo…how is that even possible?...and a large painting of a bald black man wearing a red turtle neck with a black leather jacket, with his head cocked to the side with a silver hoop earring in his right ear. Sandstorm—

Graystripe: I WANT IT!

[Fireheart stares at Graystripe in shock]

Graystripe: What? I'm going around the world to collect a picture of a bald man in every ethnicity. So far I have Japanese, Chinese and Hispanic.

Sandstorm: Graystripe, you're kind and funny but…you're an idiot.

Mousefur: HEY! ARE YOU GOING TO DO THIS OR WHAT?!

Fireheart: Oh, yes. Very well then.

{A montage shows Sandstorm cleaning the kitchen quickly, Graystripe putting on a bathing suit and diving into large piles of trash with a large sack in his hand, Fireheart scolding Graystripe, and Mousefur standing in the middle of the room with her arms folded with a look of disapproval on her face. The solo version of "Wild" by Jessie J plays in the background throughout.

The next scene shows Fireheart opening the windows, filling the dingy room with sunlight. Graystripe is humming along to the song that he shouldn't be able to hear since it's only for the audience's ears only. Sandstorm decides not to question this and resumes vacuuming the floor, revealing a beautiful hardwood floor. At this point, Mousefur is moving from room to room, trying to get as much junk out of them as possible.}

Fireheart: Wait a minute. Didn't most montages happen in the 80's? The song came out in probably the later 2000s (I'm not sure at the moment. I am too lazy to check). We need to pick another song—

Graystripe: (slings bag of garbage at Fireheart) Damn you, Fireheart! Can't I just have this one thing?!

Fireheart: ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT!

{Montage resumes with "Wild" continuing to play in the background. Mousefur has gathered more friends to join in, re-painting the house, helping unload new furniture, testing for mold. Finally the montage ends with everyone standing in the front yard with their legs spread and their hands on their hips}

Fireheart: Well. We did it.

Sandstorm: (deadpan) I demand to go on a date later.

Fireheart: Yes, fluffy.

Graystripe: This has been quite an experience. I mean, I have the Bald Black Pedophile Man to add to my growing collection. The infamous Bald Black Man! What a steal! I mean, the colors complement the creepy smile of—

Fireheart; What the hell is wrong with you?

Sandstorm: Graystripe, that's not nice. He's not black. He's brown.

Graystripe: Not according to books, TV, media and the World. (takes picture and drags it towards the forest.

(The other cats go their separate ways, leaving Sandstorm, Fireheart and Mousefur)

**How most shows end**

Mousefur: (voice breaking)I…I really can't think any of you enough with all your hard work and kindness. I've been in a dark place for some time, ever since my husband left me.

Fireheart: What husband?

Mousefur: (shouting) THE HUSBAND THAT I'M SUPPOSED TO HAVE SINCE I'M A LONELY HOARDER, NOW SHUT UP!

Fireheart: Geez!

Mousefur: (voice breaking) The amount of kindness that you've shown be had been more than I could ever ask for. You've done something for me in a day that I haven't been able to do for myself in over 27 years—

Fireheart: You're not even—

Mousefur: (shouting) SHUT UP OR YOU WILL BE DAMNED FOR ALL OF ETERNITY!

Fireheart:…

Mousefur: (voice breaking) And I don't think that I'll ever be able to return the favor. No words can express how grateful I am. You've fixed a part of me that has been broken for all these years. Thank you. For everything.

{The three cats embrace in a long hug as the camera either fades to black or pans away. "Demons" plays in the background}

{A black card shows: Mousefur has been leading a healthy life since her house has been cleaned. She has found someone and has been dating for three months. Mousefur is no longer a hoarder}

**Now, you know I'm not normal, so this is how THIS is going to end.**

Mousefur: (voice breaking) You have truly helped my life by removing this unnecessary garbage, not only out of my house, but out of my life as well. From this day forward, I am a new person. Thank you. For everything.

{The three embrace in a tight hug. After a few moments, Fireheart and Sandstorm say their goodbyes and go back to ThunderClan.}

Mousefur: (waving) That's right. Go on back to your home.

{Once Fireheart and Sandstorm are gone, Mousefur walks over to a stump, flips it over to reveal a small metal door, opens it and hops inside. She is now inside of a large underground bunker that is filled with even more garbage than the house. There is food from the 2012 Olympics and food from the Y2K scare in 2000. Large fat pet mice are everywhere, nibbling on whatever they can get their small hands on. 489 KFC items, including napkins, buckets, cups, bags and boxes are scattered everywhere. In this bunker, there are 68 tunnels over five miles long.}

Mousefur: (laughing) And after a couple of weeks, my house shall once again be filled with garbage. Because no one will come check. They never do.

{camera pans away from Mousefur laughing evilly}

{A black card shows: Mousefur continues to hoarder. She has accumulated over 89,000 cubic tons of garbage. Graystripe has yet to complete his Bald Man collection and is now breaking into houses until he does. Fireheart and Sandstorm went on a date to Olive Garden, then left in anger because the waiter kept harassing them. The waiter is serving 9-15 in a federal prison; he was found out after Fireheart complained to the manager. The manager went into the break room to find the Waiter counterfeiting money. No one learned anything. Anyone who watches this show is either insane (**which I am**) or has no life. Goodbye good riddance.} ("Radioactive" by Imagine Dragons plays in the background)

**Next time I'm making fun of the 80's or 90's!...which should be fun since I know nothing about either one of those time periods!**


	17. Apology

**I'm sorry that I haven't updated in a while! I can't think of anything to write! I'm not even going to make a promise of when I'm going to update because of school (when I get home I either go to sleep or have work to do or have to go out and do something). Even on weekends, I really can't think of anything to write about! **


	18. Diabetic Author Note

No...I haven't forgotten about this story. I'm not going to update right now but I will in the future (like...before June or in June). I haven't thought of any other ideas yet. The reason I'm writing this is because I'll see a story and notice that they haven't updated in over a few months and I think that maybe they've stopped (which I know isn't the case all the time, but still...)

I apologize if you thought this was a chapter update. There are, like, three other stories that I haven't updated in a while.

Here's a wolf...I didn't make this. (This is probably going to be formatted wrong and you probably won't even be able to tell this is a wolf)

,ood8888booo, ,od8 8bo, ,od bo, ,d8 8b, ,o o, ,a8b ,8 8,,od8 8 8' d8' 8b 8 d8'ba aP' Y, o8' aP' Y8, YaaaP' ba Y8o Y8' 88 `Y8 ,8" `P Y8o ,d8P' ba ooood8888888P"""' P' ,od 8 ,dP o88o o' ,dP 8 8 ,d' oo 8 ,8 $ d$" d8 od ""boooooooob d"" 8 8 $ 8 d ood' , 8 b 8 '8 b $ $ 8 8 d d8 `b d '8 b $ $ 8 b Y d8 8 ,P '8 b `$$ Yb b 8b 8b 8 8, '8 o, `Y b 8o $$ $o 8 '$ 8$,,$" $ $o '$o$$ $o$$P" $$o$ 


	19. Car Commercial 1

**Oh, God...I am sorry for the length of time it has taken for me to update (like, an actual chapter update, not an author's note) this story. I haven't updated anything, including any other stories for a few months because I haven't been able to think of anything and because I've been dealing with school (BUT I AM FINALLY FREE UNTIL THE 16TH OF AUGUST!) and some personal things. So hopefully I'll be able to come up with some more chapter ideas (because I already have some other chapters that are either half-finished or I'm just starting on them). I'm not promissing that I'm going to update faster or more often because everytime I say that, it turns out to be several months before I do it.**

(Alright, then. You there. I want you to—I'm saying this in a British accent—I want you to look up "Halcyon" Ellie Goulding Album. Alright then? Have you clicked on it? I don't care if the internet is going a bit slow right now. You've…you should have thought about that before you decided to click onto this…insanity. There you go…now you have that image in your sweet little/demented minds.)

Graystipe: (voice-over album cover that slowly zooms in) Look at this woman…she probably has a car…hey! That means that you should get one, too!

Sandstorm: (voice-over) Who is this?

Graystripe: (angry) What kind of racist question is that? HOW DARE YOU! HOW…DARE…YOU?!

Sandstorm: What?! I can't ask a simple question without getting harassed?!

Graystripe: (makes sad whimpering noise) s-shut up. (sadly)

{clip of a small gray car parked on a spinning platform is shown on screen}

Announcer: Buy the all-new 2016 Honda Civic for only 12,000.


	20. Car Commercial 2

{A camera slowly pans over a majestic mountain range, filling the screen with beautiful hues of browns and oranges…and General Surgeon's warnings found on cigarette boxes. A bald eagle flies past, letting out a powerful screech. At this moment, the camera begins to purely focus on the eagle's eyes.]

{The eagle is then interrupted by three clones of Whitestorm running through the forest}

Announcer: Buy the all-new 2016 Kia Soul-food platter for only 1,99 at Walmart.


	21. Car Commercial 3

Fireheart: (stands in front of the camera with an arrogant grin on his face) I bet you wish you had paws like me. (slowly begins to shake head as grin remains on his face) What the hell is wrong with you?

{Graystripe, along with the three clones of Whitestorm run past Fireheart, screaming in fear as a 20 foot tall Halcyon album cover follows them.}

Fireheart: Oh, come on—NOW WHO DID THIS?!

Announcer: Buy the all new 2016 Audi for 70.000 at participating locations near you.

**(What have we learned here, children? That's right. I'm having a hard time thinking of names of cars because I really don't care nor pay attention to the world around me. You will use these lessons to better your life…for the…the b-better. Uh…TODAY WAS A GOOD DAY!)**


	22. Car Commercial 4

Graystipe: (sitting on a large gray rock while wearing a grass skirt and a pink flower next to his ear. He looks down next to him and notices a small guitar. Smiling, he picks it up as he nods his head.) You know, {turns to camera} we're all gonna die someday…

Whitestorm Clone: Oh, yes. Absolutely. Could not agree more with you.

{Graystripe whimpers}

Graystripe: Who the bloody hell are you?

Whitestorm Clone: A clone…

Graystripe: …

Whitestorm Clone:…

Graystripe: Your name is awesome.

Announcer; Buy the all new Ford Omega Five dollar foot long only at Zaxby's shoved inside of a MacDernalds, a knock-off of McDonalds. Bah da ba ba ba, I'm fluffin' it.

Yes…Yes there is something wrong with me. AND I'M NOT AFRAID TO ADMIT THAT! ARE YOU?!


End file.
